Setting Boundaries with Family

 From NYT article "How to Set Boundaries with a Difficult Family Member"

Nedra Glover Tawwab knows deep in her bones that you cannot choose the family you are raised in.

Ms. Tawwab, 39, grew up in a bustling home in Detroit where she “experienced it all,” she said, “from substance abuse to neglect in family relationships.” She scores a seven out of 10 on the Adverse Childhood Experiences Survey, a tool commonly used by health care providers to measure the severity of trauma that a child has faced.

That background led to her career as a licensed clinical social worker focusing on relationships. She is also a best-selling author of the book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” and a popular Instagram therapist whose 1.7 million followers devour her pithy nuggets. (A recent example: “The silent treatment isn’t teaching them a lesson; it’s showing you can’t handle conflict.”)

In Ms. Tawwab’s newest book, “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships,” she offers practical strategies for dealing with toxic family dynamics — and ways to successfully disconnect from a person when you decide to do so.

“As a child, relationships are put on you, but as an adult you get to choose who you want to be in relationships with and how,” Ms. Tawwab said. “Even with family.”

Decide what a “successful” relationship would look like to you. To begin, identify the issues that are affecting your dynamic with this family member, she said. Then decide what type of relationship you can realistically have, and want to have, with that person, taking those dynamics into account.

Ask yourself: What can I control?  “When the solution to the problem is ‘they need to change,’ the problem will never go away,” she writes. “You can only control your side of the street.”

Increase your tolerance for difficult conversations.  

Then, when it’s time to address your family member, keep your script simple, Ms. Tawwab said. People often put off difficult conversations because they are searching for the “right” words. It’s OK to say something like “I don’t want you yelling at me anymore,” she offered as an example, adding, “There’s not a more ‘beautiful’ or perfect way to say that.” (Therapy can also help you identify and connect to your needs and learn to express them, she said.)  “We have tricked ourselves into thinking that we’re supposed to always feel comfortable, so even as we’re saying hard things our goal is to say it without the other person feeling upset or mad or wanting a further explanation,” she said. “And that’s not realistic.”

Know that the family member will likely take it personally.

In dysfunctional families, change is almost always seen as a rejection, Ms. Tawwab said. She writes in her book that “boundaries in unhealthy families are a threat to the system of dysfunction.”Your call for change might be met with disapproval (“You’re wrong for changing; everything was going well until you intervened”), shame (“You’re a terrible person”), or resentment (“I’m upset because you want something different”), she writes. You could also encounter general pushback, which might involve your family member continuing to behave as though you said nothing or pressuring you to change your mind. Anticipating those responses can help you steel yourself so you are not hurt by your family member’s reaction.