Middle Season #6

 

 

 

begin to see geese flying NW

 

A process that will bring about new things

A writer is not so much someone who has something to say as he is someone who has found a process that will bring about new things he would not have thought of if he had not started to say them.      

                                                                        - William Stafford

On Leisure

 In Having and Being Had by Eula Biss:

Leisure meant something different in ancient Greece. It was the opposite of being busy but it wasn't rest or play. It was time spent on reflective thought and wonder. to be at leisure, to live a life of study and contemplation, was to enjoy true freedom. 

 

Inside Weather

 

Austin Kleon has instructions on a technique that helps keep him going.  First draw a spiral, as tight as you can.  Then...

Once you have your spiral, start annotating it with your feelings and thoughts, everything weighing on you or bothering you. (Wendy MacNaughton calls this “inside weather.”) Catalog what’s on the surface, towards the outside of the spiral, and what’s deep, on the inside.

MacNaughton's video (from "Draw Together") demonstrates how to draw your own "inside weather chart" which is excellent.  [MacNaughton actually has kids draw a 6-window panel with different kinds of weather in each and talks about how this can be "inside weather".]

 

Being impressionable is a virtue

Being impressionable is often thought to be a fault.  It brings to mind a young man learning from older or cooler kids how to smoke or swear or spit.  Typically, it's used in a phrase like "impressionable youth."

And often you use the phrase "he made a good impression on me" to say that you liked the person, that the person was agreeable or admirable.  Rarely do you hear the phrase about an "it" rather than a person.  

But I like the idea of being "impressionable" meaning that you are open to being "impressed" (I never thought about that word as being related before! It suggested that the THING has left an impression on you... an impression like a record or a metal stamp on wet wax... a tin ceiling tile.). The image that comes to mind is a ball of clay that can be changed, altered, imprinted.

It's true that in our youth we are more impressionable.... things and people are more likely to leave an imprint on us.  Partly it's because, as my old favorite book "on seeing nature" says, you are like a puddle and each experience is like a drop in it... at the beginning, your puddle is small and each drop doesn't make much difference... but later each drop is an insignificant change.  The ball of clay becomes drier in this metaphor.

Being "impressionable" is a virtue, something to be worked towards.  It's like limber joints, a limber mind.

You become "experienced" and "unimpressionable."

Give me someone needing food

 From “An Open Hearted Life”

Thubten Chodron writes: 

When we are miserable, what we often want most is to feel connected to others.  Yet our actions frequently have the opposite effect. Sometimes we pick a fight with someone close to us just to feel connected to him in some way. Other times we throw ourselves a pity party, replete with lead balloons and a soundtrack playing "poor me, poor me, poor meeeee, pooooor meeee," set on a loop so that it becomes the background Muzak that permeates all other thoughts, if not the major sound in our heads....

What we want most in these situations is to be connected to others, but in our misery we very often create the conditions that disconnect us from those we care about most.  how can we break this vicious cycle? A quote attributed to Mother Teresa says:

When I am hungry, give me someone needing food. When I am thirsty, send me someone needing a drink.

When I am cold, send me someone to warm.

When I am grieving, send me someone to console.

When I am poor, lend me someone in need.

When I have no time, give me someone I can help a little while.

When I am humiliated, let me have someone to praise. When I am disheartened, send me someone to cheer. When I need understanding, give me someone who needs mine.

When I need to be looked after, give me someone to care for.

When I think only of myself, draw my thoughts to another.

Be a good ancestor

Adam Grant Tweet

Too many people spend their lives being dutiful descendants instead of good ancestors.

The responsibility of each generation is not to please their predecessors. It's to improve things for their offspring.

It's more important to make your children proud than your parents proud. 

Dwell a while and pass on

"On Journeys Through the States"

Walt Whitman

We have watch'd the seasons, dispensing themselves and passing on,

And we have said, Why should not a man or woman do as much as the seasons, and effuse as much?

....

We say to ourselves, Remember, fear not, be candid, promulge the body and the soul,

Dwell a while and pass on, be copious, temperate, chaste, magnetic,

And what you effuse may then return as the seasons return,

And may be just as much as the seasons.

Middle Season #5

 

Cooper's hawk that spent some time in the front locust tree and the front yard eating a bird.

When you tell your story, it should be about both of you

 Dr. John Gottman found variables that increase the likelihood of a couple staying together:

An expression of fondness towards each other

How do you express admiration for your partner? Do you tell them what you appreciate about them? Look for ways of letting the other person know that they are important and valued, focus on what you cherish in each other and share those thoughts regularly, and show affection on a regular basis.

A spirit of “we-ness”

Approach conflict conversations in a way that does not focus on who is “right” or “wrong.” Choose to focus on the beliefs, values, goals, and dreams you share in common. When you tell your story, it should be about what’s important to both of you.

Expression of positivity or happiness in your relationship

When you think about your relationship, is the overall impression positive? Do you have more positive interactions than negative ones? Dr. Gottman found that the difference between happy and unhappy couples is the balance between positive and negative interactions, known as the 5 to 1 ratio. This “magic ratio” states that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy relationship has five (or more) positive interactions.

Passions and Aspirations; Happiness and Values

Robert Gillmor, Aerial Manoeuvres, linocut.

Adam Grant Tweet:

To understand people's passions, ask what they love to do. To know their values, find out who they look up to—and why.

The virtues we cherish in others are a window into what we hold most dear. The strengths we admire are a mirror that reflects who we aspire to become.

Also this:

When people say happiness is the most important goal in life, I'm curious about why character isn't higher on the list.

I'm all for the pursuit of happiness, but above that I hope people care about moral values like justice, integrity, respect, and compassion. 

Beauty in Ideas

Odilon Redon - Orchids - 1912

 From Adam Grant

The purpose of education isn't only to impart knowledge and skills. It's to instill a love of learning.

Intellectual curiosity is seeing as much beauty in ideas and data as you do in art and music.

A mark of a great teacher is a room filled with intrinsic motivation.

Bioregionalism

Bioregionalism is a philosophy that suggests that political, cultural, and economic systems are more sustainable and just if they are organized around naturally defined areas called bioregions, similar to ecoregions. Bioregions are defined through physical and environmental features, including watershed boundaries and soil and terrain characteristics. Bioregionalism stresses that the determination of a bioregion is also a cultural phenomenon, and emphasizes local populations, knowledge, and solutions

Entire biogregionalism quiz here.

In short, it’s a set of 20 questions to test how well you know your region — the land, the deep history, its natural characteristics. Some of the questions are great all-purpose observational prompts. A few examples:

• What was the total rainfall in your area last year (July-June)?

• Name five edible plants in your region and their season(s) of availability.

• From what direction do winter storms generally come in your region?

• On what day of the year are the shadows the shortest where you live?

• Name five grasses in your area. Are any of them native?

• Name five resident and five migratory birds in your area.

• What species have become extinct in your area?

• What spring wildflower is consistently among the first to bloom where you live?

   
  

“Track the Moon” is a prompt in the book, and often when I give talks I ask if anybody knows what phase the moon is in. (Most, of course, don’t.) This is an idea I got from Douglas Rushkoff, but to me the deeper point is just to add some recurring connection to nature to your life.

Prioritize Joy in Your Relationship

 From Gottman

Do you prioritize joy in your relationship?

Building a life together takes effort, and this includes playing. According to Dr. John Gottman, sharing moments of joy and humor with your partner is one of the most effective ways to strengthen your relationship.

So how can you increase and maintain laughter, playfulness, and joy in your relationship?

1. Ask your partner open-ended questions to understand what adventure or playfulness means to them. Remember! Listen to understand, not to respond.

How do you think we could have more fun together?

What are you most excited about or looking forward to right now?

What one-day adventure could you imagine us having together?

2. Build Rituals of Connection with your partner. 

Rituals of connection are the behaviors and practices you create that reinforce your love. They are ways to connect with your partner that you design together, plan for, and commit to on a regular basis. 

These rituals can be big, like how to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries, or they can be small like how to eat dinner together or wind down before bedtime. 

Building rituals of connection will help you find joy in your relationship and prepares you to move through life together in a fulfilling and meaningful way.

Due to the Kindness of Others

 from Open-Hearted Life

In our everyday lives, we are often unaware of how much we depend on others just to stay alive, and as a result we often take their kindness and efforts on our behalf for granted. When we pause and consider that we are all dependent on one another, we realize that everything we have, everything we know and everything we are able to do has come about due to the kindness of others. We are not the independent pick-yourself-up-by-your-own-bootstraps individuals that we sometimes pride ourselves in being.

Think of the food you ate for lunch. Where did it come from? Some people grew it, others harvested it, another person transported it and some others packaged it. Then there are the people who put it on the shelves in the stores, the person at the checkout counter and whoever cooked it. Without the efforts of all these people you wouldn't have even a mouthful of food to eat.

Look around you and pick an item -- a chair, a book, a spoon, whatever. Then think about all the people involved in your having it. This includes not only the people directly involved in producing it, but also the people who designed and made the machinery used to produce it. Then consider the miners who got the raw materials and the people in the factories who processed it so that it could be made into the machinery that then produced the item in the room. When we consider all the things we use each day that make our lives possible, the number of people and animals involved in our having them become uncountable.

Especially with the global economy, we are indebted to numberless people in other countries, some working in dangerous or dreadful conditions to produce the goods we use. Do we think about them when we put on our shoes or use our computer? We can, and doing so will transform our minds. We should try to use the things in our environment with more care and awareness of what others have gone through to make them. To repay their kindness, we must practice compassion towards as many people and animals as we can.

We only have the skills we have because others developed the knowledge and then cared enough to teach us.

When we think about it, the web of interdependent relationships connecting us to all living beings is huge, and we are able to live precisely because of their efforts and kindness. When we contemplate this deeply, we will never feel estranged from others. Contemplating this over time will lead us to recognize that we have been the recipient of tremendous kindness from the day we were born until now.  Opening ourselves to this fact, our gratitude and feeling of closeness with others will increase and remain constant, instead of jumping from love to hatred whenever we think that they are doing something "wrong." This establishes a firm foundation for generating love and compassion.

To be a member of society

 Charles Blow in NYT writes "There will Be No Post-Covid"

In the early part of the pandemic, when some Republican governors were following Trump’s lead, politicizing the virus by bucking C.D.C. recommendations, many Democratic governors held the line and committed to following the science.

But now, many of them seem to be buckling as well, lifting mask mandates against C.D.C. recommendations.

The urge, both political and social, to simply “get on with it,” is incredibly strong.

The number of lives taken by Covid in this country alone — north of 900,000 — is almost unfathomable. But, somehow the public has absorbed and reckoned with it in some way. We have taken on a Darwinian sensibility about it all, accepting it as sudden thinning of a herd, a form of natural selection. It is both sad and stunning.

Covid has made us reconsider everything, the meaning of home and work, the value of public space, the magnitude and immediacy of death, what it truly means to be a member of a society.

We are still finding the answers to those questions, but the America we knew ended in 2019. This is a new one, scarred, struggling to its feet, dogged by moral and philosophical questions that on one hand have revealed its cruelty and on the other have forced it into metamorphosis.

Framing, Race and the media

 From "On Being" with Trabian Shorters

Tippett: the original lede of a story, for example, and it’s just so familiar: [laughs] “The Latinx community in the United States has always been, for the most part, on the bottom half on income, in the American society. The struggle to have access to health and mental care is part of the history; however, the COVID-19 pandemic has come to intensify the problems.” And that’s how it starts; it goes on. And that’s a very familiar way into a story.

And then here’s a revised lede that I think your team took a look at, and it starts this way: so, “Since 2014, Latinx people have constituted the largest ethnic group in the nation’s largest state. They now represent 39 percent of the California population.” And then it goes on to talk about “in recent years Latinx residents have made advances in economic well-being measured by metrics like reduced poverty rates, growth in business ownership.” And then after a couple of sentences like that, people elected to school boards, local offices.

Tippett:And then, “Despite this impressive social and economic progress, Latinx residents have lagged behind other Californians in achieving important goals like home ownership and income growth, and we can now add to that list the disproportionate harm visited on the community by the COVID-19 pandemic.”

 

Trabian says that the media is a co-conspirator:

  And so to your point about the role that media plays, I’ve said this to David Bornstein, who is the co-founder of the Solutions Journalism Network, that if there is a sort of narrative of racial hatred in the United States, then the news media is co-author of that narrative and co-conspirator in the cover-up. It’s very easy to understand, from a sociological standpoint, that when the media reports on populations and cities and neighborhoods a very specific and particular way, and never counterbalances that narrative with any positives, then the only patterns that our brain have to draw upon are fear triggers.

Middle Season #4

 

Lots of snow and woodpeck at the suet feeder; cedar waxwing on a lunchtime walk; hornet's nest fallen onto the snow; a hawk in a neighborhood tree

Name what you love - 3

Koson Ohara - plum blossoms and moon

 Melanie Richards posted this under the heading "Good Things"

• Surprise ladybugs.
 
• The neighborhood bursting with blossoms in spring.
 
• Inquisitive birds on the window sill.
 
• The first sign of shorter nights.
 
• That all the animals in the sea are still in there doing their thing, all the time.
 
• An object made with love.
 
• A good kitchen knife.
 
• Nice clean sheets.
 
• Petrechor.
 
• Being awake while the whole world is asleep.
 
• Tidepool critters.
 
• Spotting an unexpected animal.
 
• All dogs.
 
• The scent of chimney smoke in crisp winter air.
 
• Tiny sprouts, grown from seed.
 
• Bringing someone a surprise treat from the store.
 
• Bookstore cats.
 
• People watching from a little cafe.
 
• “Screw it, I’ll just walk”.
 
• Rain on the roof.
 
• Holiday markets and mulled wine.
 
• Old book smell.
 
• A candle on a long winter night.
 
• Porch hammocks.
 
• Walking past a rosemary bush, touching a sprig, and smelling your fingers.
 
• A giant tub of homemade Chex Mix.
 
• Thunderstorms while tucked into bed.
 
• Front-yard gardens.
 
• Catching the bus or train just in time.
 
• Ripe, in-season fruit.
 
• A lazy afternoon in a friend’s sun-drenched backyard.
 
• Catching sight of a smoll bird at someone’s feeder.
 
• New book smell.
 
• Lovely scents from an indoor citrus tree in bloom.
 
• Meditating with friends in a temple in Kyoto.
 
• An intense aroma of pine.
 
• Cooking—providing sustenance for the body of someone you love.
 
• Heavy snow on the mountains.
 
• A long walk on a summer evening.
 
• The lacy bits on the edge of a fried egg.
 
• Fancy butter.
 
• A loved one waiting at the airport.
 
• Turtles drifting around in a pond.
 
• The first sunny weekend after a long winter.
 
• Swimming in a crisp lake.
 
• Heavy cherry blossoms.
 
• A clean home after returning from travel.
 
• The beach at night.
 
• Girl Scout cookie season.
 
• Ferns.
 
• Earthworms after a rain.
 
• Golden hour light.
 
• A breeze blowing in from the sea.
 
• The first foggy fall day.
 
• Family game nights.
 
• A soft night rain.
 
• That fall chimney smell.
 
• Lightning bugs.
 
• A sunny brunch.

Third Place and Fourth Place

Gustav Klimt - Farm Garden with Crucifix 1912

From Rob Walker's TAoN No. 102

I don’t remember which year it was that, during a clear-my-head walk around that neighborhood, I came upon this little park.

Probably I had walked past it before without even seeing it. It’s the kind of place I would hardly have noticed back when I actually lived in the city — a run-of-the-mill parklet, sandwiched mid-block among multi-story buildings, with some playground equipment, basketball goals, handball courts, a number of benches, a few trees and flowers, etc. Nothing special.

But in that moment, it was exactly what I was seeking. I had recently made my first visit to the celebrated High Line, and found it annoying.¹ To me it felt more like a tourist attraction than a real public space: I remember having the sense that it was something to be moved through and completed, more akin to a ride than a place to be. It made me feel alienated.

This modest workaday little park was the antidote. It certainly wasn’t crowded, but it was being used: individuals eating lunch or reading, groups playing games, etc. I sat and people-watched (and people-listened), eyed the pigeons, looked up at the sky. I have returned to this spot year after year, and once even took some snapshots, for no reason other than it had become a meaningful place, to me.

I was going to say it felt like a “third place” — a site of coming together that is neither home nor office, like a coffee shop or a church — but that concept centers on conversation and connection. And while a park can be a third place, that’s not really what I’m up to in this instance.

Yes, the park is public, but I go there to be alone and anonymous. I’m there for me. And in fact, because I’ve been back multiple times, I think of it as a place that is somehow mine. Perhaps it is a “fourth place.”

I have several similar spots around New Orleans now, a side effect of extensive pandemic-era bike-riding — places where I repeatedly pause and reflect (and sometimes take a picture).

On Toil

 In On Having and Being Had by Eula Biss:

Toil is the word Galbraith uses for work that is fatiguing and monotonous and a source of no particular pleasure. Like many people whose preferred work is not physical, he assumes most toil to be physical labor. In the 1998 edition of his 1958 book, he writes optimistically about "the continuing revolution in job quality being wrought by the computer," but he does not mention the toil introduced by the computer. The endless filling of little boxes, the esoteric software systems, the repetitive stress, the physical toll of sitting all day staring at a screen. And he does not foresee the unique drudgery of email, the electronic demands spiling out of the workday. In France, a law now requires large companies not to expect their employees to send or respond to emails after work hours. The "right to disconnect" it's called, an effort to reclaim the limits on a workweek hard won by labor protests of the past.

Happiness and Its Causes

 

From "Love and Compassion" in "An Open-Hearted Life"

Without reducing our attachment to those we consider "good people" and friends, the love we feel for them will be dependent on how they treat us. Such "love " is in fact partly attachment because it fluctuates according to whether people are nice to us or not. To have stable love that will endure the ups and downs of life, we need to reduce our personal sensitivity to what others think of us and how they treat us. This requires effort and internal strength. It is not about suppressing our emotional needs; it's about finding diverse ways to fulfill them. It also involves learning to take delight in caring about the well-being of others. In other words, the "reward" of loving others isn't that other love us in return. it's that we feel completely delighted and fulfilled simply to give love.

Definitions

Love is the wish for someone to have happiness and its causes; compassion is the wish for them to be free from suffering and its causes

Buddhist Happiness

Temporal happiness is happiness that we experience in this life chiefly due to external things, people and situations. For example, happiness is having good food, friends, possessions, success in our career and a happy family life. The causes of this kind of happiness are a kind and generous heart, patience, effort, acting ethically and making wise decisions. Spiritual happiness comes from transforming our heart and mind, liberating them from mental afflictions and developing good qualities such as love compassion, generosity, ethical conduct, fortitude, enthusiasm and wisdom. The causes for spiritual happiness come from training our mind in these good qualities.

Suffering likewise may be temporal or spiritual. Temporal misery may come from lacking the resources we need to live, not getting what we would like, not feeling good about ourselves and the human condition of being subject to aging, sickness, and death. Some sufferings are due to societal inequality. Others are due to how we look at life. When we cannot see the purpose of our lives, we may also experience spiritual suffering. This is due in part to having not yet met wise elders who show us a viable path to inner peace.

(what follows in the chapter is LKM)

Which Level of Busy?

 Humphreys:

I saw a man pursuing the horizon;
Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this;
I accosted the man.
"It is futile," I said,
"You can never -- "

"You lie," he cried,
And ran on.
- Stephen Crane

This is an era of insanity. All of us are frantic lunatics, living under an epidemic of busyness. Not only are we all far too busy to savour life or focus on the important things, but we also live in a society that applauds the serially busy and the wildest ball jugglers. When I ask my corporate friends why they don’t leave the office at 5pm, they answer ‘because nobody else does’. But everyone else wants to go home then, even the boss.  It’s bonkers!

So how can we carve out a little time from the busyness to live a little more adventurously every day? 

Here are some other questions I have asked myself:

1. Are you too busy to cycle around the world for years? Are you okay with that?
2. Are you too busy to cross Iceland for a month?
3. Are you too busy to go hiking or biking in Scotland for a week?
4. Are you too busy to camp out this weekend?
5. Are you too busy to climb a small hill with somebody you love and watch the sunset?
6. Are you too busy to go for a run at lunchtime?
7. Are you too busy to go jump in a river before breakfast?
8. Are you too busy to climb a tree for 10 minutes?
9. Are you too busy to read your kids a bedtime story?
10. Are you too busy for life?

Which number are you on that list? Which level is realistic? Which level is acceptable?
Which level suggests priorities going wrong and a heartbreaking waste?

Build Love Maps

Gustav Klimt - Blumengarten, 1907

Start creating and strengthening your Love Maps today. Try to answer the following questions about each other and find out how much you know about your partner’s world.

• What was your partner wearing when you first met?
• Name one of your partner’s hobbies.
• What stresses your partner right now?
• Name your partner’s two closest friends.
• Describe in detail what your partner did today or yesterday.
• What is your partner’s fondest unrealized dream?
• What is one of your partner’s greatest fears or disaster scenarios?
• What is my favorite way to spend an evening?
• What is one of your partner’s favorite ways to be soothed?
• Name a person your partner dislikes.
• What is your partner’s ideal job?
• What medical problems does your partner worry about?

Asking these questions will help you develop greater personal insight and a more detailed “map” of each other’s worlds. The more you know about each other, the deeper your connection will be, leading to a happier and rewarding partnership.

Icons

 

 

 

https://melanie-richards.com/play

Coffee outside in the rain

 

Coffee Outside with a Friend

 

Coffee Outside on a Bike

 

artist @annabrones

https://alastairhumphreys.com/category/coffeeadventuresoutside/

I, Me, My, Mine

Hilma af Klint (Swedish, 1862-1944)
The Ten Largest, No. 1, Childhood, 1907

 

Chapter "Equanimity" from "An Open-Hearted Life"

Close your eyes and think of a few people you are attached to and don't want to be separated from. Now ask yourself, "Why am I atttached to them?" There's no right or wrong answer; just listen to what your mind says when you ask yourself why find those particular people so pleasing.

Now, thing of some people you don't get along with -- people you may be afraid or resentful of -- and ask yourself, "Why do I feel so much hostility towards these people?" Without censoring your thoughts, observe the reaons that your mind gives.

Finally, imagine some strangers -- people you pass by who you hardly notice.  They are simply part of the obstacle course you havigate each day. Ask yourself, "Why do I feel indifferent towards them?"  Again listen to the reasons that your mind offers.

Your responses may be something like the following:

Regarding people you are attached to, you may think: "They are kind to me; they respect me; we have similar ideas and interests, they encourage me when I'm down and celebrate my accomplishments. I feel good around them; they bring out the best in me."

Regarding the people you don't like, the thoughts are differet, "They interfere with my happiness. They hurt me or the people I love. They threaten me and make me feel unsafe. They are unethical and their actions go against what I value. They criticize and ridicule me."

Regarding the strangers, yo may think, "I dont' knwo them. They don't affect me one way or the other. There's no reason for me to care."  

What word(s) are present in all these responses? I, Me, My, Mine.

The truth is that while we think we perceive people objectively -- as they really are -- in fact we see them through the lense of "how do they affect me?" and take that as the criteria determining their value.  People who help us, like us and basiclly do what we want we consider good people and friends.  We see them as worthy of our affection and become attached to them because they please us.  People who do the opposite, acting in ways that dispelase us or that we find reprehensible, we consider bad or think of as our "enemeies." We believe they deserve our anger, dislike and sometimes even hatred and revenge.  People who don't affect us one way or the other, we ignore. We often relate to them like objects and may not even think of them as having feelings.

While we are sure that people exist in the way that we perevie them, this is not the case.  Thinking only in terms of "I, Me, My, and Mine" distorts our perspective because it fails to take into account anyone else and causes us to make up many inaccurate ideas that we belive are true.

...

And so it becomes clear that "friends," "enemies," and "strangers" are fictitious categories created by our self-centered thoughts that tend to judge everyone in terms of how they act towards Me. Since this is the case, what use is there in being attached to loved ones, feeling hostile towards enemies and apathetic towards everyone else? Since people can change categories quickly and frequently, what purpose is there in hold fixed ideas about other people?....

It makes more sense and is more satisfying to see everyone as having the same ultimate goal of being hapy and avoiding pain. In doing so, we will be able to feel connected to everyone and come to have concern for them as well....

One of the qualities we admire so much and that makes us feel safe and at ease is unconditional afffection. Similarly, when we have cunconditional afection for others, it is a marvellous gift to share with them, one that enables them to relax, trust and be themselves. For this reqson, equanimity (a mind that is free from clinging attachment to loved ones, anger fand hostility towards people we don't like and apatheti indifference towards everyone else) is important in order to have the kind of love and compassion that extend to all beings eqaully.

Without equanimity, our positive emotions are limited to only those we like and approve of -- those in our "friend" category. In that case, our love and compassion have strings attached, because to get in my "friend" category you have to treat me nicely, agree with my ideas, not comment on my faults... the list goes on.  If you do something I don't like you'll move to my "enemy" category and my love and compassion for you will disappear. To over these judgements and biases, equanimity is essential.  

[this doesn't mean we treat everyone equally... we don't give our car keys to anyone... we choose not to work on projects with slackers...]

Equanimity gives us the inner freedom to stop making our feelings towards others dependent on the way theyat they treat us.  This is a radical idea that initially may feel uncomfortable.  How can I not regard someone who insults me as an enemy and not be angry with them.... The beauty of equanimity is that we feel open-hearted care and concern for everyone, which opens the door to cultivating undonditional lvoe and compassion for all.

Beyond Blame

Hilma af Klint (Swedish, 1862-1944)
The Ten Largest, No. 4, Youth

 

From "An Open-Hearted Life" in Chapter "Beyond Blame"

Where does the anger come from? It begins with how we interpret other people's words; we make up a story: "This person criticized me because he deliberately wants to harm me." "...because she is jealous" "... because I am a bad person and did something wrong."".... because they are prejudiced."

The stories continue to proliferate as we create a drama (or a soap opera) starring ME! "It's all the other person's fault. I hate him! But if it's not his fault, then it must be my fault. I hate myself!" We get ourselves all wound up in a tangled web of our own making.

Is any of this true? We didn't ask the other person what her motivation was. We just assumed that we could read her mind and know her intention. So often these assumptions are incorrect and cause problems in our relationships. Even if the other person did intentionally want to harm us, that doesn't mean we have no other alternative than to be enraged. No matter what the other person's motivation is, we still have a choice about how to interpret their behavior and therefore whether or not to get angry. We have to slow down and see that this choice exists.

We may think, "But any normal person would get angry if someone spoke to them that way." While most people may get angry in a particular situation, it doesn't mean we have to. We are the person who will be harmed most by our anger. The person we are angry with is living their life, drinking tea or talking with their friends. It is us who are stuck in suffering; our anger makes us miserable. If for no other reason than to alleviate our own misery, let's question the story we create that lies behind our anger. Let's investigate if we have to get mad.

Usually we believe that if a problem or a bad situation isn't the other person's fault, then it must be our fault. But why do we need to frame the situation in terms of fault and blame to begin with? Instead we could simply say that things arise due to many causes and conditions.

The first feeling is ignition

When I heard you invited her to your concert and not me

The first feeling is ignition,
the sulferous scratch and fevered flame
of a struck match.
It's sometimes like that: the quick switch
from wood to flame.

And then anything can happen -- a crown
fire burning through living 
foliage and branches. Or maybe
a surface fire singeing 
leaf litter and tree trash.

Sometimes it lives in the ground itself,
smoldering slowly through decomposed matter
for days or months
or years.

(in Tweedy style, this is poem #1 of 2022)

Being Responsible for Our Emtions

Hilma af Klint (Swedish, 1862-1944)
The Ten Largest, No. 5, Adulthood

 

From An Open-Hearted Mind, chapter "Being Responsible for Our Emotions"

My hesitancy to emphasize the role of our "animal behavior" or genes in accounting for our destructive emotions is becaues it is all too easy for us to then shrug our shoulders and say, "What can I do? I was born that way." For example, an alcoholic could easily excuse his drinking and have a defeatist attitude when someone suggests that he go to AA.

...

It is more helpful to think, "I experienced certain conditioning factors. Some are genetic, others biological, others derive from experiences that I had in the past. These things affected me, but their effects are not impossible to change."

Why? From the Buddhist perspective, as soon as we say the word "conditioning" -- be it conditioning by our brains, our genes or our previous experiences -- we are talking about causality; in other words, case and effect. If things are caused, it means that they can be changed (or ended). That is their very nature. They cannot remain the same even if we want them to. For example, the sperm and egg of our parents cause our bodies to form. From the moment that we are conceived our body changes: it grows ages and eventually dies. Everything that arises due to causes changes, including our disturbing emotions and unhelpful emotional habits....

One nice thing about being an adult is that we have the ability to assess the conditioning we received in the past. We can look back at our experiences and the things we heard and ask ourselves, "Is this something true and beneficial that I want to keep in my life, or is it something untrue and harmful that I would be better off letting go of?"  If we decide we would be better of letting go of those thoughts and emotions we can then go about freeing ourselves from whatever we learned that was harmful.