Season of melting. Season of noticing bird song. First robin (in the deep cold and snow).
First cardinal singing on 2/27 at 5:56. Then, at 6:05, full throated cardinal song.
See sandhill cranes on 2/27, flying NW. Birdwatching expedition with Henry G reveals red tailed hawk, cardinal, dark eyed junco, woodpeckers.
There are different pleasures in listening to playlists in Spotify vs. doing Spotify radio. Playing old songs, known songs, hand-chosen songs, you wait for the killer chorus, the sweet guitar hook, the sweet bridge. When the resulting pleasure comes, it comes like the scratching of an itch, it's a release in the body, or the body engages in the pleasure directly, tapping, head nodding in a appreciation.
But that's different than exploring, listening expectantly to a new song that has hooked your attention. There, you cock your head, incline an ear to take it fully in, then stay as silent as possible.
I remember going to Mt. Prospect library, borrowing box sets of classical music: collected divertmentos, flute pieces. I was the youngest person in the classical music section by 40 years. I'd sit in the basement listening, and choosing specific tracks to record on cassette. There was a lot that I didn't like, that I found boring. (the more I think about it, the more that I recall... there were little record players in a seating area with headphones.... that's probably where I did my first pass at listening. I remember the blond wood bins where records were stored.... maybe there were two levels of them?)
Even then I was not content in listening straight through to albums... being bored by movements not filled with stuff I liked... beautiful slow passages, interesting rhythms, "strange" or shocking and new sounds. I was figuring out what I liked. I was figuring out what my kind of person responded to with pleasure.
I was thinking about this yesterday, and thinking that listening "expectantly" was a lower level of pleasure. That listening "curiously" was a higher, better way. But maybe it's not that simple. They're different pleasures.
I was going to say that any listening to playlists is a version of the person continually listening to the great rock hits of 1980s or whatever. But I can be appreciative of both.
Still I have issue with listening to the same songs again and again. I was really annoyed when in Wisconsin bathroom I heard the opening synthesizer chords of a Journey song (Separate Ways). "Sleepless nights, heart broken in two....two... two..." "If we can't go on...."
When I listen to playlists, my brain follows along, my brain turns off. When I hear a new song, I'm perked up, attentive.
***
Here are a couple things to cultivate: being curious, being grateful.
being grateful: from Marie Howe's "The Gate": This is what you have been waiting for, he used to say to me. / And I’d say, What? / And he’d say, This — holding up my cheese and mustard sandwich. / And I’d say, What? / And he’d say, This, sort of looking around.
From Tara Brach in her 40 day mindfulness training: From our negativity bias, we are burdened with the sense that something's wrong. Mindfulness deconditions us to scan for what's wrong. What's around the corner. Open to the here and now. Stop thinking about what should be different, and appreciate/satisfaction of what is.
From the Tim Ferriss show:YouTube episode. U
Show notes: link
RS: if there is a part of you you' dlike to get know better or change the relationship with or if there's something still getting in your way. You mentioned there was a really angry part of you... It's really up to you.
T: my anger is not as high volume as it used to be, but it seems to be a by-product of fear. So that might be worth doing. Anxiety has become more pronounced.
RS: Happy to help you with that. And trust is hard. So, we'll try it this other way. Are you ready? Focus on that anxiety and feel it around your body.
RS: as you notice it, where do you find it, by the way?
RS: OK. So let's start tere. As you notice, tell me how you feel toward taht part that feels anxious.
T: I want it to go away, let go. It's not pleasant. There's anger to that part bc I can look at my surroundings and everything is great, so I get upset at that part.
RS: which i can udnerstand. It does get int he way. But we're going to ask both of the parts the one who's angry at it and the one who wants it to go away to give us some space for a few minutes to try to help it in a different way. See if you can open your mind to the anxious one.
RS: how do you feel toward it now?
T: more empathetic. It's like a scared child.
RS: There you go! So let it know that you have some empathy for it and you care about it and you want to get it know it better. And just ask what it wants you to know. don't think of the answer, just wait for something to come from the throat.
T: it came... "I don't know what to do"
RS: How do you feel now that you get how confused it feels. Let it know that you know. See if there's more that it wants you to get. See if there's more that comes.
T: I don't want to mess things up.
RS: Yeah. OK. Let it know you just want to get to know it, why is it concerned that it wants to keep you from mesing up?
T: it's just a confused child. it's not intentionally trying to mess up my life. It's just unsure how to quell that fear.
RS: That's great. Do you see this child or do you just sense him?
T: it's not a child. it's an adult version of myself. It has fera and wide-eyed look and scattered nature of fearful child.
RS: as you see him there, how close would you say you are?
T: 8-10 feet.
RS: is it possible to get closer and turn toward him? .... OK, just let him know that the other parts have been really hard on him, but those parts aren't around and that you really care about him. See how he reacts.
T: he seems to soften and relaxing
RS: OK, ask if there's anything more he wants you to know about anxiety and confusion
T: nothing coming to mind... he's sitting, relaxed
RS: ask him this: does he protect other parts of you?
T: hmmm... I don't know if I'm making this up... but...the pat of me that way abused. Bullied. So, protecting that part of me that was always waiting for the shoe to drop.
(51:00) RS asks if T wants to go there... I don't want you to feel any pressure. Check around. I want to make sure we're doing it with full permission.
RS: So focus on that abused part of you and find him in your body. Where do you find him?
T: I still feel constriction in throat. I'm wondering if this frightened part of me is one in the same.
RS: You'll get the answer, just ask and wait for the answer.
T: I think it is the same.
RS: OK. Ask if he trusts that you care about him.
RS: OK if he's up for it, tell him to show you and sense and feel about how bad it all was. You don't have to disclose any of it.
T: Horrible stream of abuse and violence and frearful little kid who was
RS: Are you ok so far? Tell him you're ok and tell him that you're ready. See if there's more.
T: yeah, there's more. Nothing shockingly new. Pretty scared, pretty sad childhood.
RS: It's really good that you're getting how bad it was. Just tell him to keep going if he needs to and stay with him until he's done. Ask him directly.
RS:Go in there with him. How are you being with him? Describe. You're in that time period with him? OK. That's what I want. Tell me when you're with him. How are you being with him? How it for him to have you there?
T: comforting to have a not threatening and protective male.
RS: He seems to acknowledge you there adn comfrotable. Ask him what he'd like you to do, some person he'd like you to deal with.
T: Yes, he'd like me to say some things.
RS: While he watches, go ahead and say those things to those people. And ask him what that was like for him to watch you do to that for him.
T: He has a "my hero" type look on his face to have someone stand up for him in that.
RS: Tell him that you'll be doing that for him for now on and see if he'd like to leave that place and come to a comfortable place..... where do you have him? Tell him he can tay there and he never have to leave. Ask him if he'd like to unload the feelings and beliefs he got back there. ... ask him where he carries that.
T: the traps, between neck and should
RS: ask what he'd like to give it up to -- light, fire, water, wind, earth, anything else... Let him pick.
T: ok... revision! Fire.
RS: OK, set up a fire for him, tell him to take it out of that place in his body and put it in the fire until it's all gone.
RS: Good. How does he feel without it? That's great. And before he does that, he can invite qualities that he'd like to have into his body.
T: Confidence.
RS: That might be all he wants. Alright, let's bring in this anxious adult guy. See how he reacts.
T: deep exhales. sighing.
RS: You can see if there's anything he'd like to put in the fire, too. Just ask him.
T: Just to add color... he took fear out of his abdomen and put it in the fire. That wasn't pre-meditated.
RS: this is a real other world, it's not how you imagined it. How does he seem more?
T: much more at ease.
RS: does that feel complete for you? Notice your throat. How does that feel?
T: if it was at an 8, it's now a 2.
X on Twitter shares lots of
I realized how much I love haiku... the focus on sense, season, wit.
I thought that maybe each for the 36 middle seasons could have a "standing haiku" that is appropriate for each middle season. Here are some of my favorites, divided into the "normal" seasons, rather than middle seasons.
"this world
is full of needles and thorns...
yet lotus blooms..."
― Issa Kobayashi (tr. Gabi Greve)
Autumn
Winter
Even that old horse
Basho Matsuo
Chris Ware's collages. Is that the right word?
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| Chris Ware's "Still Life" |
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| Chris Ware. (link) |
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| Chris Ware Comic Strip Diary from this video | |
