Impatience Doesn't Come

 from journal 7/23/13

Made tea - spearmint from garden and Yerba mate. A few minutes later I'm really interested, curious about the shape of the oak leaf hydrangeas and how dark the shadows are -- and how strongly edged/cut like some art that seems hyper-realistic-- and the designs of the leaf -- how some are turning rusty, how some are spring green, some are yellow except by the stems and veins, like the great plains from above...f rom an airplane... or how I imagine that to be -- green at the streams -- in the canyons.

I begin to wait to be impatient for KBL to come back - expectant of the physical feeling of impatience -- because i'm waiting to continue on the million step process of re-painting the deck, because she's supposed to be working from 9-4. And the impatience doesn't come. I begin thinking that often I want to get after that task that I feel will be onerous -- all day drive, painting the swing set in the 95 degree heat. And we pre-emptively wan to get the irritating activity out of the way -- but very often the irritating activity isn't that bad... in fact, we'll likely find something interesting or diverting in it. And I'm not feeling like I'm NOT going to do the cleaning later, just that the relay switch that anticipates and want to "get it over with" isn't flipped.

Looking into the future -- I'm imagining that the emotional content will be (diagram of small wavy line above) rather than (another diagram with high peaks) which I usually imagine. I've gotten pretty pessimistic I guess about the near future... that the near future will be just a bunch of joyless things that sorta suck. But I'm maybe realizing that it probably won't be. It'll be okay and maybe diverting. ..... (later) I did go out and paint the stair railings in over 90 minutes and it was fine listening to the bio, completing the interior of the railings, so it looks good