David Brooks on Essential Skills of Being Human

 David Brooks on Building Social Skills in Ourselves and Others 

The Essential Skills for Being Human (NYT)

“Being openhearted is a prerequisite to being a full, kind, and wise human being,” says
David Brooks in this New York Times article. “But it is not enough. People need social skills.”
He’s often struck by people’s “social clumsiness” – for example, when he leaves a gathering
and realizes that only one third of the people he talked with asked him a question.
This widespread lack of curiosity results in people feeling unseen and disrespected,
says Brooks: “Black people feeling that the systemic inequities that afflict their daily
experiences are not understood by whites; people who live in rural areas feeling that they are
overlooked by coastal elites; people across political divides staring at one another with angry
incomprehension; depressed young people who feel misunderstood by their parents and
everyone else; husbands and wives who realize that the person who should know them best
actually has no clue about who they are.”
Brooks is working on a book about teaching and learning social skills, and this article
includes some of his insights so far. He believes we’ve become unmoored as a society, too
many of us are unable to connect across our divides, and national survival depends on
improving our interpersonal skills. He’s learned most from people he calls illuminators: “They
have been trained or have trained themselves in the craft of understanding others,” he says.
“They know how to ask the right questions at the right times – so that they can see things, at
least a bit, from another’s point of view. They shine the brightness of their care on people and
make them feel bigger, respected, lit up. Illuminators are a joy to be around.” Some key skills
we can learn from them:
• See people well – The way we attend to people makes all the difference, says Brooks.
As a young man, he came across as reserved and aloof, which didn’t bring out the best in
others. He’s learned from illuminators to be warmer, more respectful, seeing others as
“creatures with infinite value and dignity, made in the image of God,” he says. “Casting this
kind of reverential attention is an absolute prerequisite for seeing people well. When you offer
a gaze that communicates respect, you are positively answering the questions people are
unconsciously asking themselves when they meet you: ‘Am I a person to you? Am I a priority
to you?’ These questions are answered by your eyes before they are answered by your words.”
• Accompany others – As we encounter people in the routines of daily life, says Brooks
– chatting at work or when we pick up the kids at school – we need to be “lingerable,” taking
our time, letting go of the efficiency mindset, being present, and using conversation as a form
of play that brings out the best in others. He makes the analogy to a piano accompanist,
“sensing where the singer is going, subtly working to help the singer shine.”
• Develop the art of conversation – From experts at being better conversationalists,
Brooks has picked up these pointers:
- Be an active listener with interjections like Aha, Yes, Amen.
- Get people telling stories – Instead of asking, What do you think about that?, ask How
did you come to believe that?
- Paraphrase back – This makes the other person feel heard, or allows them to correct
things you’ve misunderstood.
- Ask follow-up questions – This encourages your conversational partner to go into more
detail.
- Don’t be a “topper” – If you tell a related story from your own experience, you’re
trying to make a connection but it shifts attention to you.
• Ask big questions – “People are dying to tell you their stories,” says Brooks; “very
often, no one has ever asked about them.” Getting to know a person for the first time, ask
where they grew up, where they got their names, or a favorite unimportant thing about them.
Once a trusting relationship is established, you can move on to a 30,000-foot question, for
example: What crossroads are you at? If the next five years is a chapter in your life, what is
the chapter about? Can you be yourself where you are and still fit in? What would you do if
you weren’t afraid? What have you said yes to that you no longer really believe in? What is the
gift you currently hold in exile? How do your ancestors show up in your life? If you died today,
what would you regret not doing?
• Stand in their standpoint – When talking with someone with different views or status,
says Brooks, it’s important to be persistently curious. Every conversation has two levels:
what’s actually said and “the ebb and flow of emotions that get transmitted as we talk. With
every comment I am showing you respect or disrespect, making you feel a little safer or a little
more threatened… I think the wise person’s gift is tender receptivity.”


Really good confidants “are more like coaches than philosopher kings,” says Brooks.
“They take in your story, accept it, but prod you to clarify what it is you really want, or to
name the baggage you left out of your clean tale. They’re not here to fix you; they are here
simply to help you edit your story so that it’s more honest and accurate. They’re here to call
you by name, as beloved. They see who you are becoming before you do and provide you with
a reputation you can then go live into.”
“Give the Gift of Your Attention” by David Brooks in The New York Times, October 22, 2023