Curiosity as Gravity

 (from August, 2013 journal)

I want to change my perception of the world.  I want to see my guitar teacher Jason as a potential gold mine of information and inspiration.  My attitude towards him does not esteem him enough.  

I want to see shapes of trees as I walk (the spaces created by trees)  I want, in general, to be open to experiences, to the world.  I want to develop my attitude of "expectant curiosity".  Instead of going into a meeting with expected horror or boredom, I should be thinking about "how will they approach this meeting?  what can I be inspired by?"  "how will H. respond when I approach this unwanted task like this?" and then find out how it worked out.  Instead of gulping wine: how will this taste?  and find out how.  

Rather than select a strategy and get 'r done (plowing thru as quickly as possible) everything is an experiment and you are curious to find out the result.  The difference between making lesson plans and actually teaching.

Instead of being field with the gasoline of goals, I want to be pulled towards things; I want curiosity to be my gravity, my perpetual motion fuel.  (not a drive to wealth, success, accomplishments, accolades)  

I want an ethic of smallness, fluidity, efficiency, tidiness.

There are things that get in the way of this.

1. the narrative voice in my head of potential arguments in the future

2. worthless impatience (waiting for the physical reaction of impatience… being frustrated with things out of my control -- traffic, when Karrie comes home so I can start painting… I've found myself impatient with people telling their stories… a lot recently… I feel like I just want the summary version)

3. anticipating negative outcomes -- expecting the worst

4. clutteredness

"The way I look at life is that you only have a few minutes and so you might as well make the most of it.  Ask yourself why you were put on this Earth.  What are you here for? Then do it.  What I wanted most out of life was to find an answer to heart disease." Fred Kummerow, 98-year-old UIUC biochemist.

In "Your Money or Your Life" (p. 122).  Joanna Macy, an educator, ecologist and author, has suggested three directions in which to look for your own mission:  1. work with your passion, on projects you care deeply about.  What was your dream before you stopped dreaming? What's the work you would do even if you weren't paid to do it? 2. work with your pain, with people whose pain touches your heart.  Have you "been there so you know how it feels" -- in grief, sorrow, despair, hunger, terror?  Can you offer others the wisdom and compassion you gained from this experience?  Is there an aspect of suffering in the world that calls you to action?  3. work with what is at hand, with opportunities that arise daily for responding to the simple needs of others.  Finding your purpose has often been equated with discovering the perfect job or service project that will galvanize you to be as saintly as Mother Teresa.  

George Saunders wrote a graduation speech about being more kind, less selfish... http://hchsenglish.blogspot.com/2013/08/graduation-speech-by-george-saunders.html