Contempt and Criticism

According to Zach Brittle (from the Gottman Institute), contempt (one of the Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse) is not the same as hatred, not like "you go your way, I'll go mine."

Contempt isn’t “I hate you.” It’s something much worse. Something insidious and gross. Contempt is “I’m better than you.” If betrayal is a question of trust, contempt is a question of respect. Contempt says, “I don’t respect you. In fact, I’m going to actively disrespect you.”

And criticism, which causes a cycle of defensiveness, is a wish disguised.

Criticism is most often packaged in “you always” or “you never” statements. The implication is that the offending partner hasn’t simply offended, but is actually offensive. Criticism is aimed at a person’s character, not their behavior. Not surprisingly, this kind of attack often triggers defensiveness and leads to a cycle of conflict that is hard to escape. Gottman suggests replacing criticism with “I statements,” the most tried and true of marriage counseling cliches. I want to stress that this is more than a skill. It’s a state of mind. “You always” and “you never” defer responsibility to the partner. But you are responsible. You are.

Your criticism is a wish disguised. It’s a negative expression of a real need. What if you took responsibility for what you really desire for the relationship…what if you owned the wish and committed to articulating it as a positive hope? It could be as simple as starting your sentences with “I wish” instead of “you never.” But, as with contempt, it takes a good introspective look, in this case, at your own inclination toward violence.