Fear of Compassion

Hilma af Klint "The Ten Largest, No. 02, Childhood, Group IV" 

From "An Open-Hearted Life," by Thubten Chodron and Russell Kolts

The conditioned fear of closeness with others is something called 'fear of compassion,' and it can make relationships very complicated. We can both desperately want to have close, supportive or intimate relationships with others and find ourselves being anxious and frightened when we're in such relationships... Many children who now live [in an adolescent residential facility] have had experiences that taught them not to trust others. Some found themselves taken in by well-meaning, loving families who had the best of intentions to provide these children with safe, loving homes. These families had visions of enveloping these young people in love and support, and expected that the children would attach to them in return, feeling safe and thriving.  The reality was often very different. In response to these families' efforts at creating closeness, the children often withdrew or even became aggressive. These kids had learned that the people who were supposed to take care of you could hurt you or disappear when you most needed them. So instead of attaching and loving these families back, the children fought them: testing the relationships, distancing themselves, acting out and having extreme emotionally reactions -- just the way we act in situations of threat.

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If we're trying to help others who have learned to fear compassion, we have to go in knowing that things won't always go smoothly. We must let go of the expectation that those we seek to help will automatically respond to our efforts with appreciation, gratitude, and affection. Paying attention and responding to the cues they give us -- their nonverbal behavior, their level of talkativeness -- we should not try to get too close too quickly. We must be willing to patiently weather the storms, sending a constant message of compassion: I am here for you. You are worth caring about. I will not hurt you. I will wait patiently, and will be here when you are ready. Although we can be sensitive to their suffering and offer help, warmth and support, compassion is more about steadfastness than action when we're interacting with people whose lives have taught them to fear closeness rather than be comforted by it.  We can't change anyone, but we can help to create the conditions in which change is possible.