The Practice of Compassion

In Chapter "What Is Compassion and Why Do We Need It?" Kolts lays out the logical argument for living compassionately.

The Ten Largest, Group IV, No.4 by Hilma af Klint

His Holiness the Dalai Lama frequently says, "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

Compassion means "sensitivity to suffering and the motivation to help alleviate it.  The first involves openness to being moved in the face of pain and suffering -- we allow ourselves to bear witness to the difficulties that we and other face, and to be touch by this suffering. This experience of being moved by suffering gives rise to the second component: the motivation to help make things better."

Chodron, in the next chapter, adds this to the definition, distinguishing compassion from love:

Feeling compassion means being concerned about the suffering of others and wishing them to be free from suffering and its causes. Compassion is closely related to love, which is the wish for living beings to have happiness and its causes. 

I really like the idea of "happiness and its causes" which emphasizes that happiness (or suffering) is always a conditioned thing. 

In "Confusion about Compassion," Chodron warns that sometimes what looks or feels like compassion isn't.  You could be a "people-pleaser," which is about self-profetection rather than genuine care for another.  It also doesn't involve "interfering with other people's lives and fixing their problems.  Becoming Ms. or Mr. Fix-It brings the focus back to us....  Sometimes the most compassionate thing to do is to teach others how to help solve their own problems and then to step back and give them the opportunity to do so.  When they succeed, their self-confidence will increase.  If they don't, hopefully they will learn from their mistakes.  If they ask us for tips on how to deal with the situation, we can do that while at the same time respecting their autonomy."  

Chodron goes on to say that with compassion we understanding that others are overwhelmed by their emotions, but we don't but ourselves in harms way.  In fact, "compassion may entail acting in a way that the other peson does not like at all.  With genuine compassion, we may even have to jeopardize a relationship with someone we care about in order to benefit that person."  Compassion "also gives us the confidence to say "no" when faced with someone's manipulative behavior.  Giving into their scheming or pleas helps neither them nor us in the long run. Although the other person may be angry, we do not doubt our decision when we know that what we are doing is a good choice done with a compassionate motivation."

Kolts sets the compassionate life in opposition to other possible stances in life:

In the fact of all this pain and hardship, compassion is the only response that makes sense. Sure, we could do lots of other things. We could become upset, look for people to blame, and get mad at them. We could simply close our eyes to the things we don't like, pushing away painful feelings or numbing them with drugs or alcohol. We could look the other way when confronted with the suffering of others or even blame them for their struggles. The trouble is that the challenges in life -- whether they are feelings inside of us we'd rather not have, conflicts with other people or problems in the world -- don't go away when we ignore them. In fact, they general get bigger.

Viewing the world with compassion allows us to relinquish the need to judge and shame ourselves or other people for having entirely human feelings. Instead, we can learn to balance our emotions so we will be at our best.  Our confidence grows as we learn that we can face tolerate and work to improve difficult emotions and situations. This confidence helps us relate to life on its own terms, without being crippled by fear and worry. It allows us to shift from an anxious vigilance that is continually keeping watch for potential mistakes or difficulties to a more open, balanced experience that helps us respond to challenges whiles savoring the good things in life and being grateful for them.

Kolts defines compassion not as "just being nice all the time."

courage requires courage -- the courage to bring ourselves face-to-face with the difficulties of life and powerful emotions that sometimes arise within us.  It requires courage and commitment to stay, to tolerate the distress and discomfort we feel when encountering these difficulties as we learn to work with them. Compassion is anything but weakness.

finally...

When we feel safe, accepted and valued, we are able to face problems in life and take responsibility for them. This is a gift we can give to others and to ourselves; it's a gift that benefits the giver as much as the recipient.