The Birdhouse Revisited

One pivotal moment of my life was when Jennie said that we need to continue working on our relationship.  I was confused and said that I typically think of relationship as a birdhouse that you build.  You work hard and make it just how you like it, and then it's done for good.  Luckily, she still wanted to be with me.  She suggested that it actually takes continued time and effort -- going on dates, sending love notes, etc.

Stuff from the Gottman Institute seems to have that down in ideas like The Magic 6 Hours a Week.  I learned a lot from that and other ideas about relationship tending.

I've revisited this idea recently in terms of the idea of "caring for."

First, I realized that I need to recommit to doing Gottman things with Jennie, recommit to building the relationship, caring for (not Jennie per se, but) the relationship.

Second, I realized that all relationships need this kind of tending and caring.  It's not just (as I currently do) "connect with X number of people each day/week", it's "care for the relationship with X and Y and Z" with gifts of interest and attention and compassion.  Gottman's ideas are a trove of actions to attend to this.  (I've also recently been introduced to Kat Vello's work about how to make real connections with people.)

Third, chores can be thought of in this way - not as stuff to get done so that you can get to a TV show or doomscrolling or smoke cigars, but as 'caring for the birdhouse."  I'm thinking of the difference between having a chore like "water the plants" once a week to "caring for plants." The later will have you checking in more, pruning dead leaves, looking for resident caterpillars.

Even my understanding of caring for birdhouses has changed.  Earlier I though of it in binary terms - thati it's done or not done... now, the current thought is (a) that it's more-or-less continuous work, (b) it's important work, like a key function of life, and also, (c) it's done a mental/spiritual practice that can help us build/define our skillful interface with the world that is 'caring.'   

Fourth, care for myself -- self-care I hesitate to write - can be thought of as having a relationship with my inner self (sub-conscious), my brain (learning, creating, apprehending the world), and my body (my GI, my blood vessels, my muscles)...