Honor Their Priorities

I took this photo by the buried nuclear waste in Palos this morning. 
It seems an appropriate photo for this posting.

Sometimes you come across something in reading that comes at the exact right time.  

I've been feeling confused, conflicted, and guilty about my struggles with Charlotte and Henry.  They do not reach out, they often ignore texts.  (They agree to be taken for dinner.  They are rigid about not coming to my house or "ever" changing their minds about Jennie.  They are not interested or curious -- at all -- about me.). This past weekend was Hannah's wedding.  My mom: "why don't you go talk to your kids"?  (because they are abusive to me pretty often and they'd like to make it seem as though they have a relationship with me, but not acknowledge the existence of Jennie.). 

Today I went for a hike in Palos with Erwin.  He too, says, "keep trying.  Don't give up." 

Yet continuing to try and offer help and wanted to offer myself in relationship to either of them is hurtful because I'm continually feeling rejected.  They (clearly) need help.  I am willing and able to offer it.  But I can't do that while the deal is they ignore Jennie and have no relationship with me and continue to have contempt, etc.  

Also, the continual stress on Jennie has produced, this weekend, a 2-day headache.  Yesterday, she said that she was done with it.  

So, after tentatively feeling like I need to take a real break, since nothing is working, I get these "keep trying" messages from mom and Erwin.  I don't know what that means in a way that isn't enabling selfish, hurtful behaviors.

Last night, while I'm tired, ready for bed, I come read Chapter 35 ("The Four Immeasurables") from An Open-Hearted Life by Thubten Chodron.  It's a topic I've come across a couple times before (and blogged about).  It recounts the four ways we can/should relate to others compassionately.  This has been a struggle for me in terms of the kids (and Karrie).  

Then I come across the paragraphs about equanimity.

Equanimity (impartial, open-hearted concern for all beings) is our response in two situations. One is when the other person is doing well and doesn't nee our help.  Here we refrain from interfering in others' lives by giving advice that is both unasked for and unnecessary because they are already doing well.  In other words, giving people credit for their ability to manage their own affairs, we calm our "need to be needed" and let others be.

This section, especially the phrase "need to be needed" is a sore spot for me.  I definitely feel sad and frustrated partly because the kids very clearly are telling me that I am not needed (or even important).  

The second situation in which equanimity is the desired response is when someone is facing difficulties, we try to help, but they do not accept our aid.  In this case, rather than chiding the other person or pushing them to do something that they are clearly resistant to doing, we step aside. For example, if our elderly parents want to remain at home when we think they would be safer at an assisted living facility, we need to realize that they are willing to risk taking a fall in return for the benefit of living in the familiar, comfortable and comforting environment of their home.  We have to honor their priorities and decisions.  

That is precisely the issue that's happening with parents now, since this past wedding weekend also saw dad hitting a curb and blowing a tire when he was driving at night and mom forgetting their suitcase at home.  But it's also the situation with my kids.  They do not want any help from me, will not enter into a true relationship with me (for now).

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