I, Me, My, Mine

Hilma af Klint (Swedish, 1862-1944)
The Ten Largest, No. 1, Childhood, 1907

 

Chapter "Equanimity" from "An Open-Hearted Life"

Close your eyes and think of a few people you are attached to and don't want to be separated from. Now ask yourself, "Why am I atttached to them?" There's no right or wrong answer; just listen to what your mind says when you ask yourself why find those particular people so pleasing.

Now, thing of some people you don't get along with -- people you may be afraid or resentful of -- and ask yourself, "Why do I feel so much hostility towards these people?" Without censoring your thoughts, observe the reaons that your mind gives.

Finally, imagine some strangers -- people you pass by who you hardly notice.  They are simply part of the obstacle course you havigate each day. Ask yourself, "Why do I feel indifferent towards them?"  Again listen to the reasons that your mind offers.

Your responses may be something like the following:

Regarding people you are attached to, you may think: "They are kind to me; they respect me; we have similar ideas and interests, they encourage me when I'm down and celebrate my accomplishments. I feel good around them; they bring out the best in me."

Regarding the people you don't like, the thoughts are differet, "They interfere with my happiness. They hurt me or the people I love. They threaten me and make me feel unsafe. They are unethical and their actions go against what I value. They criticize and ridicule me."

Regarding the strangers, yo may think, "I dont' knwo them. They don't affect me one way or the other. There's no reason for me to care."  

What word(s) are present in all these responses? I, Me, My, Mine.

The truth is that while we think we perceive people objectively -- as they really are -- in fact we see them through the lense of "how do they affect me?" and take that as the criteria determining their value.  People who help us, like us and basiclly do what we want we consider good people and friends.  We see them as worthy of our affection and become attached to them because they please us.  People who do the opposite, acting in ways that dispelase us or that we find reprehensible, we consider bad or think of as our "enemeies." We believe they deserve our anger, dislike and sometimes even hatred and revenge.  People who don't affect us one way or the other, we ignore. We often relate to them like objects and may not even think of them as having feelings.

While we are sure that people exist in the way that we perevie them, this is not the case.  Thinking only in terms of "I, Me, My, and Mine" distorts our perspective because it fails to take into account anyone else and causes us to make up many inaccurate ideas that we belive are true.

...

And so it becomes clear that "friends," "enemies," and "strangers" are fictitious categories created by our self-centered thoughts that tend to judge everyone in terms of how they act towards Me. Since this is the case, what use is there in being attached to loved ones, feeling hostile towards enemies and apathetic towards everyone else? Since people can change categories quickly and frequently, what purpose is there in hold fixed ideas about other people?....

It makes more sense and is more satisfying to see everyone as having the same ultimate goal of being hapy and avoiding pain. In doing so, we will be able to feel connected to everyone and come to have concern for them as well....

One of the qualities we admire so much and that makes us feel safe and at ease is unconditional afffection. Similarly, when we have cunconditional afection for others, it is a marvellous gift to share with them, one that enables them to relax, trust and be themselves. For this reqson, equanimity (a mind that is free from clinging attachment to loved ones, anger fand hostility towards people we don't like and apatheti indifference towards everyone else) is important in order to have the kind of love and compassion that extend to all beings eqaully.

Without equanimity, our positive emotions are limited to only those we like and approve of -- those in our "friend" category. In that case, our love and compassion have strings attached, because to get in my "friend" category you have to treat me nicely, agree with my ideas, not comment on my faults... the list goes on.  If you do something I don't like you'll move to my "enemy" category and my love and compassion for you will disappear. To over these judgements and biases, equanimity is essential.  

[this doesn't mean we treat everyone equally... we don't give our car keys to anyone... we choose not to work on projects with slackers...]

Equanimity gives us the inner freedom to stop making our feelings towards others dependent on the way theyat they treat us.  This is a radical idea that initially may feel uncomfortable.  How can I not regard someone who insults me as an enemy and not be angry with them.... The beauty of equanimity is that we feel open-hearted care and concern for everyone, which opens the door to cultivating undonditional lvoe and compassion for all.