Beyond Blame

Hilma af Klint (Swedish, 1862-1944)
The Ten Largest, No. 4, Youth

 

From "An Open-Hearted Life" in Chapter "Beyond Blame"

Where does the anger come from? It begins with how we interpret other people's words; we make up a story: "This person criticized me because he deliberately wants to harm me." "...because she is jealous" "... because I am a bad person and did something wrong."".... because they are prejudiced."

The stories continue to proliferate as we create a drama (or a soap opera) starring ME! "It's all the other person's fault. I hate him! But if it's not his fault, then it must be my fault. I hate myself!" We get ourselves all wound up in a tangled web of our own making.

Is any of this true? We didn't ask the other person what her motivation was. We just assumed that we could read her mind and know her intention. So often these assumptions are incorrect and cause problems in our relationships. Even if the other person did intentionally want to harm us, that doesn't mean we have no other alternative than to be enraged. No matter what the other person's motivation is, we still have a choice about how to interpret their behavior and therefore whether or not to get angry. We have to slow down and see that this choice exists.

We may think, "But any normal person would get angry if someone spoke to them that way." While most people may get angry in a particular situation, it doesn't mean we have to. We are the person who will be harmed most by our anger. The person we are angry with is living their life, drinking tea or talking with their friends. It is us who are stuck in suffering; our anger makes us miserable. If for no other reason than to alleviate our own misery, let's question the story we create that lies behind our anger. Let's investigate if we have to get mad.

Usually we believe that if a problem or a bad situation isn't the other person's fault, then it must be our fault. But why do we need to frame the situation in terms of fault and blame to begin with? Instead we could simply say that things arise due to many causes and conditions.