Gottman Institute - recent lessons

 1. Three Things I love about you

Make a list of three things you truly admire about your partner.

The list might include qualities they’ve had for as long as you’ve known them (such as being a great listener or how they make you laugh), something they display in small moments (such as how well they sing or remember special occasions), or something they did in the last 24 hours (such as doing the dishes last night or making you coffee in this morning).

Does your partner do anything that inspires you or makes you go “Whoa! You’re amazing”?

Then, make a list and share it with them.

If you want to go the extra mile, make a new list every day for a week and leave it in notes around the home. See how it influences your relationship. 

2. How to build trust

Trust is one of the weight-bearing walls of the Sound Relationship House. Without it, your relationship is weakened. How you and your partner attune to one another determines how strong this pillar is.

Grand gestures are nice, but when it comes to trust, it’s the "small things often" that matter. If both partners build habits of turning towards each other in simple everyday moments, they build trust.

Here are a few ways to do this from Dr. John Gottman's "The Relationship Cure."

• Cooking for your partner
• Taking care of them when they're ill
• Listening to them
• Doing something kind for your partner’s friends or family
• Run errands for your partner

What are the little things that your partner does for you that help you trust them more? Let them know! 

3. Nonverbal bids for intimacy

Sending and recognizing nonverbal bids for connection are collectively an important part of your relationship. Bids can range from subtle to obvious and always signal the need for attention and connection. It’s good for you both to know them when you see them and accept the invitation to turn towards each other.

So, what does it look like when your partner makes a nonverbal bid for intimacy? Do you know their go-to move? Is it a smile from across the table? Do they cuddle close at bedtime? Also, how do you initiate? Are you sure your partner knows what you’re asking for?

In “What Makes Love Last?” Dr. John Gottman notes that these types of bids work, but only “as long as you are both clear about what message you’re sending or receiving.”

Take time today to talk about your nonverbal bids for intimacy. Start with recalling past lovemaking encounters. How did they begin? Who initiated and how? Did either of you ever offer a bid that was missed?

Learning to send and receive bids effectively depends on you both getting on the same page in and out of the bedroom.  

4. Questions to ask after a fight

The existence of conflict does not spell the end of your relationship. Some negativity is necessary for stability, but positivity is what nourishes the relationship. One of the predictors of a relationship’s failure is a couple’s inability to manage conflict in a healthy manner and to move forward knowing the source of their gridlock.

Couples need to understand their fights. To move forward after an argument, begin by asking yourself the following questions:

• “How did we get here in the first place?”
• “Why didn’t our conversation go well?”
• “What is the meaning of the issue between us?”
• “What are the sources of our gridlock on this subject?”

Most importantly, ask yourself: “What was the conversation we needed to have, but didn’t?”

The ultimate goal in the aftermath of a fight is to have dialogue about the underlying issues that started it. Miscommunication can cause further unnecessary conflict, but at the same time, such a regrettable incident is an opportunity to work together and grow as a couple.

5. Best moments in your relationship

If the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day is known for one thing, it’s “Best of the Year” lists. From the biggest news stories to the hottest music hits, everyone is talking about the great (and not so great) moments of the past year.

How about your relationship? Have you thought about the best moments?

It was a challenging year; however, if you sit down with your partner and remember the events—both small and big—you may find some good times sprinkled in that bonded you and brought you joy.

Whether you just found each other in 2020 or your partnership is decades old, pause and reflect on your year together. What were the highs? What were the lows? And what are you looking forward to most in the new year?

Negative Sentiment Override is a relationship downer. In healthy relationships, it’s the nagging perspective that your otherwise supportive partner can’t seem to do anything right. You find yourself critical of their every move. When left unchecked, it leads to bitterness and contempt on both sides.

How can you shift the outlook on your partnership to a positive one? To begin, take a cue from the sentiment of the holiday season.

Instead of a naughty list, write down everything nice about your partner. You can be broad (“I love how you make me laugh”) or specific (“It meant a lot when you washed the dishes after that messy meal yesterday”). The goal is to come up with as many nice attributes about your partner as you can. This is a mental exercise of “Sharing Fondness and Admiration,” which is also an essential level of the Sound Relationship House.

The more intentional you are about looking for the good in your partner, the more good you will see.