Talking To Strangers

 I came across psychology researcher Gillian Sandstrom while reading I Want to Thank You: How a Year of Gratitude Can Bring Joy and Meaning in a Disconnected World by Gina Hamadey and copy-and-pasted her tips for talking to stranger here.  

When I dove a bit deeper, I found that she has a really interesting career (staring as a computer scientist) and is putting her research to work by trying to talk to strangers (and report on it on Twitter!).

I talk to strangers. Even on the Tube in London. I haven’t always done this, but I’ve always seen it – both of my parents regularly talk to strangers. I admit, I found it a bit embarrassing as a kid. And annoying: going grocery shopping with my Dad was torture, because it would take SOOOO long. But I could see how much my parents enjoyed it, and how much the people they talked to enjoyed it, and how we sometimes learned new things. I also learned that you can develop skills; my Dad often uses the same opening lines, especially when talking to kids, because he’s learned that they get people talking.

The first time I remember deliberately starting a chat with a stranger was on the subway in Toronto. It was at a time when there was a wave of amazing cupcake shops, and this lady on the subway was carrying a beautiful cupcake. I started talking about the cupcake, but ended up learning from her that people can ride ostriches! I was hooked. Since then I’ve had many adventures #Talking2Strangers, and I’ve made it a central topic of my research.

Here's an example Tweet:

During the interval before the second act of La Boheme @ #Glyndebourne, I talked to a couple who were enjoying their own second act - they had both previously been married (I assume widowed, but who knows), and met each other on an opera tour in Verona. #Talking2Strangers 

I am curious about her dad's "standard lines" to begin conversations.  This reminds me that "Nobody waves, but everybody waves back."  This led me to ask the internet, which is full of crap ideas.  The Art of Manliness, though, has tackled conversation and small talk a number of times.  Here's one article on the site which is about starting conversations. 

The ARE method of initiating small talk.Communications expert Dr. Carol Fleming offers a three-part process to kick off a conversation: Anchor, Reveal, Encourage (ARE).

Anchor. This is an observation on your “mutual shared reality” that extends the first little thread of connection between you and another person — the lightest of pleasantries about something you’re both seeing or experiencing.

• Dr. Landis is hilarious.
• The set list tonight has been fantastic.
• This weather is perfect.

Don’t get caught up thinking that such comments are too superficial, and search in vain for something truly clever to say. Fleming calls such exchanges “friendly noises,” and you both know they’re not meaningful, but just a gradual and polite way to segue into a “real” conversation.

Reveal. Next, disclose something about yourself that is related to the anchor you just threw out.

• I’ve tried to get into Dr. Landis’ class for three semesters, and this is the first time I was able to land a spot.
• There’s a much bigger crowd here than there was at their show last year.
• I’ve been waiting for a break in the heat to go hike Mt. Whilston for the first time.

By opening up a little more, we extend to the other person a few more threads of connection and trust, while at the same time providing them fodder to which to respond.

Encourage. Now you hand off the ball to them by asking a question:

• Did you have a hard time getting into the class?
• Did you see that show?
• Have you ever done that hike?