Gottman - Expressing Gratitude and Appreciation

 

from GI:

Gratitude

As simple as it may seem, expressing gratitude has enormous power. Your bond is strengthened every time you acknowledge and openly discuss things you love and appreciate about your partner.

There is nothing complicated about reviving or enhancing your fondness and admiration for each other. Think about what makes you treasure your partner. And then tell them.

• Thanks for listening to me.
• Thanks for being such a great parent.
• Thanks for making me laugh when I was feeling down.
• Thanks for communicating what you need.

Add an example of when your partner demonstrated each action or displayed the positive qualities you are appreciating.

• Thank you for being understanding today, even though it was stressful at some points. I feel grateful to have a partner who is so patient and kind.

Want to take it further? Write your partner a love letter, make an effort to do small daily acts of kindness, and take notice and express thanks when your partner does something kind or thoughtful.

Appreciation

Appreciation is a cornerstone for building a culture of respect in your relationship.  

You have the power to do one little thing every day to keep the connection with your partner strong: get in the habit of practicing daily gratitude to ensure that romance, affection, and appreciation are a part of your life together.

Choose a characteristic that your partner has demonstrated today from the list above: Tell your partner why you appreciate this about them! 

Repeat this habit of appreciation every day to nurture your connection. 

(elsewhere: Start an appreciation ritual by sharing two things you appreciate about your partner each day before you go to bed. The main objective of this ritual is to avoid negativity and to focus on what you love about each other. )

Show appreciation by doing Small Things Often. Make the most of small intentional moments to respond to your partner’s bid for attention. Examples of responding to bids include a facial expression such as a smile or blowing a kiss, or expressing positive feelings like “I’m so happy to see you.”

Tell your partner what you appreciate about them. This might include their personality or actions. Be sure that your words are specific and detailed. For example, you can say, “I love the way you care for our family. You’re so thoughtful.”)

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Negative Sentiment Override is a relationship downer. In healthy relationships, it’s the nagging perspective that your otherwise supportive partner can’t seem to do anything right. You find yourself critical of their every move. When left unchecked, it leads to bitterness and contempt on both sides.

How can you shift the outlook on your partnership to a positive one? To begin, take a cue from the sentiment of the holiday season.

Instead of a naughty list, write down everything nice about your partner. You can be broad (“I love how you make me laugh”) or specific (“It meant a lot when you washed the dishes after that messy meal yesterday”). The goal is to come up with as many nice attributes about your partner as you can. This is a mental exercise of “Sharing Fondness and Admiration,” which is also an essential level of the Sound Relationship House.

The more intentional you are about looking for the good in your partner, the more good you will see