Gottman: date night conversation

 

Wanda Gág, Philodendron Pertusum, 1944, printed 1947. Lithograph, 15 11/16 × 12 1/8in. (39.8 × 30.8 cm). Whitney Musuem of American Art; purchase, with funds from The Lauder Foundation, Leonard and Evelyn Lauder Fund 96.68.125. © Estate of Wanda Gág

SUMMER DATE IDEA #2 Agree to Disagree: Addressing Conflict

Conflict happens in every relationship, and it’s a myth that in a happy relationship you’ll get along all the time.    Remember, in healthy conflict, the goal is not to “win.” Understanding and acceptance are your objectives. Be kind to each other—this is your partner you’re talking to, not an adversary!   To better understand how your partner approaches conflict, ask these open-ended questions:  How was conflict handled in your family growing up? How do you feel about anger? How was it expressed in your family growing up? How can I best support you when you’re feeling angry? How do you like to make up after an argument? Money is one of the top five issues that cause conflict in relationships.  Work and the pursuit of money can be the “third party” in a relationship, demanding your time and energy. Balancing your relationship and your work is fundamental to the success of your partnership. Ask these open-ended questions to cultivate gratitude for what you have, and the contribution you both make to the relationship.  What do you need to feel safe talking about how you spend money or how you make money? What are your hopes and dreams about money? What can we each contribute to the relationship beyond money? Discuss what you have that you are grateful for.  Playing together creates trust, intimacy, and deep connection. Couples who play together, stay together.   On Fun and Adventure If you can’t remember the last time you felt excited and curious with your partner, or had the feeling something exciting was about to happen, you’re suffering from a lack of play and adventure.  Make playing together a priority. Ask each other these open-ended questions about play to spark the adventurous spirit in your relationship: What does adventure / play mean to you? How did you play when you were a child? How do you think we could have more fun together? What’s a one-day adventure you could imagine us having together?