Equanimity

 

One benefit of keeping a journal is that you have evidence of this person that you used to be.  And to reflect... is this still me?  am I different?

On July 19, 2016, I wrote this:

I have a gnawing sense of lack of control and knowledge and a sense of "where IS that stuff I need to fine?"  There is a sense that stuff is bad and it's only going to get worse.  Terrorism, Donald Trump, taking care of the dog, having few vacation choices because of the dog, the upcoming heat wave, the heat waves of futre summers my physical fitness, my health in general.  

On July 21, I write

The core dream is of super powers -- focus,confidence, energy, openness to the infinte wonders of the world, appetite for it.  The core frailty is dissipation, going to bed, getting through the day, diffusion. [I reflect on a character from The Narrow Road to the Deep North who is filled with feelings of power and purpose and will because he's taking methamphetamine pills... and am attracted to it.] ... I want to be the Energizer Bunny who is also honed into his goals/ or even better, his purpose... "It's a good idea, let's do it!" or "The world is so interesting and complex, I want to experience more if it now and want to immerse myself in it -- it is charming and distracting" and "Ah, look at that bat house design -- that's great!  Let's build it!"  But also books and talking to people.  My appetite for experience and life.  Keep up with me or be left behind! And creation.  And speaking out.  

 A couple days ago, I did a Tara Brach meditation called "Loving Presence."  In it, I make notes of these things that seem to fit my current frame of mind:

• meet whatever arrives with friendliness and gentleness
• make room for the life that's here, reel receptivity in your shoulders, heart.
• Everything belongs... the clouds of thought, the mood, the sensations
• Everything that is, is welcome 

In her 40-day meditation plan, Brach talks about the importance of saying yes to the world.  Here's my summary of what several of her meditations:

The second idea is we should "nourish a grateful heart" as a general condition in life and "saying yes" to the world.  This could be our ground state.  We can become increasingly resilient and kind.  We have to counteract the negativity bias. The sense that something's wrong. Mindfulness de-conditions us to scan for what's wrong.  What's around the corner.  Open to the here and now.  To "stop our incessant planning."  Stop thinking about what should be different, and appreciate/satisfaction of what is.  Mindful presence is ground of gratitude.  I made a list of all the specific attitudes that come along with nourishing this type of condition.  Here they are:  curious interest, patience, compassion, awareness suffused with compassion, warmth, kindness, receptive, listening, sensing, tender heart, witness, witness mystery of life as it unfolds, sense life as it lives through us, peaceful heart, sensing, letting go of what's not needed, let be, feel joy.  This can "bring grace to our life and joy to all we are with."

 Both of the mes want to experience the world.  But what a difference in tone!  The older me is worried about the unwinding of life (almost literally, I want to be the "wound up" Energizer Bunny toy).  The older me wants a manic life, a fully charged life, grasping at new things, devouring them.  The newer me still is attracted to being fully alive and open, still agreeing with the goals of confidence and openness ... but the “focus” more about not distracted by planning and thinking while the old me wants to be completely focused on the goal-oriented life  

Here are my notes from Jack Kornfield about"equanimity""

Conflict, illness, loss of loved one, divorce.  Composure among turning seasons.  A Balanced mind.  Not indifference, but deep understanding of passing nature of things.  not thrown off by good or bad, but responding to everything with a peaceful heart;  how will we respond to fear, reactivity, contraction, or with wisdom.  Names the serenity prayer.  Calm and centered.  Practice: take a seat with graciousness and dignity.  Take a few deep relaxing breaths.  Rest your attention on natural breath.  Sense the benefit of living with peaceful heart; invite peace to grow.   All things have the nature to rise and pass away.  May I live amid the changes of world with a peaceful heart.  May I  May I... Now, think about something difficult in life and reflect how you can meet with with a compassionate and peaceful heart.  Offer "may you too live with a peaceful heart" to others.