In July 2013, I sat on my front porch, drank a cup of matte tea with some mint leaves... and felt my perceptions altered. I had this sense of clarity about the topic of "patience and anxiety."
I tapped into a realization that I felt that I have only so much energy in a day and it was very low. So inertia and motivation is essential to keep me going at all (rather than heading to the couch). I had re-read this journal in 2016 when I was feeling particularly down, unmotivated.
When things don't go well (when they don't adhere to my daily schedule, where I've allotted all my energy), I get anxious, frustrated because I see things draining and I'm anxious that I'm not going to get things (the basics of the day) done. And I feel like I will lose the inertia that I had built up. It showed me that I was pretty stressed or depressed. I was feeling very unmotivated.
I was maintaining energy. My anxiety was that it would all collapse. I was being short-tempered often partly because I was worried that I'd grind to a halt. Temper and Anxiety and Energy.... all tied together.
During 2016, I wrote that I felt like I was dealing with a Sisyphsian montain of stuff -- planning, grading, observations, meetings, email, drudgery. I said it was "a joyless forced march interrupted with unexpected crisis and conflict."
Another realization: usually the bad thing -- the chore, the work -- is not as bad as I think it's going to be and often some good thing will come out of it. Yet, there's a great deal of ad--- (Buddhist term...) (feelings against it....).
This felt like a big realization. The iceberg of anxiety-- all the physical sensation -- melted and the "problem" that I had.... suddenly wasn't. It wasn't a simple "live and let live!" admonition or "just be more ok with 'waiting'" for others, or "have a list of things to do in down time.
I'd like to think more about this. I can't get back to that "melted" feeling now.
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