Appetite for Life | Fantasy of a Full Life

 

backyard clematis is re-blooming now

On July 21, 2016, I was thinking about how I want to be in life:

The core dream is of superpowers -- focus, confidence, energy, openness to the infinite wonders of the world, and appetite for it.

Later I represent it as quotations:

"It's a good idea, let's do it!" or "The world is so interesting and complex, I want to experience more of it now and want to immerse myself in it -- it is charming and distracting!" and "ah look at that bat-house design -- that's great! let's build it now!"... but also books and talking to people -- my appetite for experience and life... Keep up with me or be left behind!

On the other hand:

The core frailty is dissipation, going to bed, getting thru the day, diffusion.  

In this journal entry, I name my fascinating with speed-addicted military officers in the book that I was reading.  "I want to be the Energizer Bunny who is honed into his goals/ or even even his purpose." I have the thought that self-help books are the "slow way" or the hard way to get to that feeling versus either drugs or having good chemicals (like Teddy Roosevelt who seemed to be the embodiment of all that drive.  

I finish with:

How do I affect those chemicals?  If I could [have them at will, wouldn't it be the most important thing in life.

Now, 10 years later, I'm wondering whether that picture -- appetite, Energizer bunny, consumption -- is part of me now and how much it's part of me.  Now, I'm thinking that it seems like the description of ADHD.  Parts of it are attractive -- especially about "creating" things -- songs, woodwork projects... that remains part of my fantasy of a full life.

The "frailty" I note is just getting through a normal day.  

Since this time, I value "maintenance and repair" more.  A schedule of deep cleans around the house.  I have a lot more daily habits - writing, blogging, haikuing, guitaring, exercising -- which are nontrivial achievements.  I'm more aware of the stresses that accumulate in the body and the need to reduce stress, recover from it.  The image of the Energizer Bunny seems ... frantic to me now.  

Instead of rushing around to "get life" and consume experiences and goals, I have a greater sense of being a "homo viator" and "witness".... if you pay attention to life, there's great pleasure in witnessing it unfold.