On Negative Emotions and RAIN

Laurie Santos, Yale professor of psychology, and teacher of "The Science of Well-Being," points out that negative emotions can't be ignored or "powered through."  She says that "uncertainty, fear, frustration, anger, jealousy... they're not going away.  You need to give them space."  She says one technique, borrowed from meditation traditions, is RAIN: recognize, accept, investigate, and nurture. She says:

If I’m trying to plan my class and I’m just like, “Oh gosh, we’re not even going to get to the new semester,” that’s uncertainty. That’s fear. Let me just acknowledge, accept. “OK, that’s what it feels like. I’m in that state right now. Let me investigate what it feels like in my body.” I’m watching my face get tense. My heart is beating a little faster. I’m feeling antsy. I want to run away from it. I want to eat something or check social. I just want to run away from those emotions, not feel it. But I need to sit with it.

These tips are consistent with what I learn regularly from Joseph Goldstein's "Insight Hour" podcasts, like this one on "Dealing with Aversive States of Mind," where he suggests "investigating" our aversive states after we identify them.  Goldstein would also add that we are supposed to remind ourselves that the feelings are temporary states.  They are not us, though we tend to identify with our passing feelings.  These tips are also consistent with what I know about techniques from therapy, especially on identifying what we are feeling and where we are feeling it in the body.  

Jennie and I are preparing to see Charlotte in a couple days.  She has spent a week at her mom's house for the first time since January.  I know that there are a lot of things that she does that push my buttons. I'm trying to find ways -- like RAIN -- to not respond to them.  Jennie and I talked about a number of techniques to respond simply ("ok" or "great!".. as though she's saying something simply factual) rather than reacting.  (Sometimes "reacting" can seem like response... a slow burn that intensifies.)

Thubton Chodron says in her Google Talk, that we can't suppress anger.  But we can let it dissipate.  Ask yourself, she instructs, "Why am I angry?" And then ask again. Sooner or later you get beyond the "they did" as an answer.  You can ask "why did I get angry when they did that?"